I have occasion to interact with families who come from all parts of the country to be together during times of crisis and transition. Most families have issues stemming from the past, but are able to overcome these emotional difficulties in order to support one another when needed. It is sad, however, when those issues surface in counterproductive ways.

Emotional outbursts are sometimes unavoidable when families are thrust together in tense atmospheres. Just as it can feel calming to walk into a church, hospitals and nursing homes sometimes exude tense atmosepheres. When families live far apart they have less opportunity to work through historical conflicts. Coming together in the emergency room for the first time, while forced into life-and-death decisions, many psychological and social factors converge to increase the probability of a release of feelings. The "Mom always liked you best" syndrome can raise its ugly head in the worst of places.

Recently, a client visited her son out of state. She is near 90 years old and this will most likely be her last trip. Elderly people often bring up topics that are not the most easy for their children to hear. (Remember Aunt Jane who always reminded you of the time you fell into the fountain at the mall when you were seven? Thanks, Aunt Jane, yes, I enjoy being reminded of that most embarrassing time of my life!) The client was regaling her family with the tale of the time her son had to come to clean out her house because it was so messy she was unable to return to it from the hospital. She mentioned that she is still looking for things that he threw out.

Now, she could have emphasized the part where she was complimenting him for doing all that work just for her. how he came all that way to make sure her home was comfortable enough so that she could go home. But, of course, it came across to her son that she was complaining about what he had thrown out. Unfortunately, he took the opportunity to allow his emotions to vent in front of god and family. He was hurt that she seemed not to appreciate what he had done and that she had the bad manners to complain in front of his siblings and in-laws. He let her know, in no uncertain terms, that he was unhappy with her complaints and that he felt unappreciated. The mother, taken aback by her sons outburst, was oblivious to the effect her complaining had had on him. She became tearful and defensive as well and increased her complaints that he had thrown out some of her precious posessions.

Both the son and the mother now have negative memories of their last visit together. For whatever reason, human nature, I guess, I have noted that elderly persons are not very changeable. It is more difficult for them to admit wrong, to give the benefit of the doubt, and to make concessions. It is, therefore, up to us grown children to be just that - grown up about emotional matters. I'm not trying to take sides in this issue, but I am suggesting that instead of placing blame on one or the other, one party needs to concede. One party needs to be loving enough, mature enough, to note that they will be living with the memories of their visits with their parents. The parent will pass on soon. The regrets will be lengthy.

How hard would it have been for the son to have taken a deep breath, remembered that what he did was the right thing (or his mother would not have been able to go home where she wanted to live out her days), and to realize that often people talk about negative things because that is our nature. How hard would it have been for him to say to himself, "she's old, she's not going to be around long, and she's going home soon; I did the right thing," and to say to his mother, "Gee, I'm sorry that you only remember that I threw out some of your things. I'm sure glad you've been able to live at home for the past year." And change the subject.

I'll tell you how hard. Much less hard than it will be for him to remember that the last time he was with his mother, he yelled at her.

Regrets are costly.

Contrast this with the family who came for their father's funeral last November. I never once heard a word of contention from any of the siblings. They loved their father for who he was and what he taught them. They did not complain that he had to be financially supported by them. They never mentioned that he was difficult to be around sometimes because he was so self-centered. They chose to remember the good things about their father and to love him for the positive aspects of his personality. They will have no regrets.

Take time now to inventory your checklist of grievances with your family. Look at the items and see which ones are truly worthy of holding onto. Some of us feel that the wrongs our parents did to us are truly insurmountable. Sometimes that is true. More often than not, though, it is much more healthy and helpful to remember the spiritual command to "forgive those who trespass against us," and move on to happier memories.

Life is short. Take advantage of the precious moments with family to rejoice in each other's positive qualities. Bitterness can grow when it is fed and coddled. Starve your bitter memories by letting them go in the wind. Love each other. You'll be happy you did.

Debra Sorensen, MSW, LISW, CMC, is a professional care manager and owner of Debra J. Sorensen & Associates Inc., a private geriatric care management company serving Northwest Ohio and Southeast Michigan. She can be reached at 419-367-8835 or e-mail Debra@professionalcareforyou.com.