You can't care manage your own parents. I know. I've tried it. I'm a professional care manager. I haven't been successful in making any positive changes on my own father's behalf -- at least not directly, or not so's he'd admit it.

I just won an argument with my father. It took 45 years, but I finally did it. It also took 2 days of strategizing over sleepless nights, drafting a letter 5 times, and then using the letter as a cheat sheet while I called him in person to discuss the matter before I chickened out. Even then, it wasn't my eloquent words or flawless logic, but it was my irrational tears that finally won him over.

Whenever an elderly loved one has a health crisis, family dynamics and issues suddenly become more pronounced. You've all heard the stories of families torn apart at the end of their parents' lives as they all squabble and bicker over every detail of the care plan, or even go so far as to start divvying up the family heirlooms. Usually there is one caregiver which emerges as the most reliable, hard-working one of the family. Usually this caregiver is under-appreciated, or even made the scapegoat of the situation. I hope this never happens to you.

It's really easy to jump to false conclusions when you're a long-distance relative of an elderly person. My family hasn't done too well with communication anyway, but the most recent incident really takes the cake.

Despite the name of my series, "Going Home, Again," I hadn't been home since beginning these writings, almost two years ago. This past weekend, I made a trip home.Your parents' choices may not be the ones you would make for yourselves, but this article talks about letting go of your own needs to respect your elders' .

...Most of our elders, however, will hang on to that driver's license with their last dying breath. Just last week, a client said to me, "Well, I passed a driving test just recently!" You and I both know that a "driving test", once the license is established, consists of a cursory eye exam. If your parents are stubborn about driving, it will be all the harder for you to step in for their safety.

...Have you noticed how, even though your role as a daughter or son may have evolved somewhat over the years, that your birth order is still encumbering your ability to effectively relate to your siblings to make meaningful change with your aging parents?

The Year 2003 has been very different for my father than 2002 was. He's staying far away from the medical profession as much as possible. Last year at about this time he was beginning his descent into illness and disability, mostly caused by the very interventions which were supposed to cure him.

We're not sure if our 81-year-old father can stay home alone any more. It's the hardest question we've ever asked ourselves, my brother and sisters and myself. He's 81, been widowed for 2 years now, and up until December 28 th , he was getting along pretty well.... Then he had surgery.

I have occasion to interact with families who come from all parts of the country to be together during times of crisis and transition. Most families have issues stemming from the past, but are able to overcome these emotional difficulties in order to support one another when needed. It is sad, however, when those issues surface in counterproductive ways.

There is an endangered species in the world today - The Healthy Caregiver. Caregiver stress is the number one killer of caregivers. I know it for a fact. I am a caregiver. A long distance caregiver for my father, and a professional caregiver for other people's aging loved ones.

"Over the river and through the woods,
to Grandmother's house we go."

We may not be going by horse and sleigh, but many of us will soon be visiting our aging parents for the Holidays. Whether you're visiting from out of town and haven't seen them in several weeks or months, or whether you'll just be spending more focused time with your in-town parents, you may be faced with some drastic change.

I've written in the past two years about accepting the end of life, about how to communicate with physicians, and how to communicate with your elderly parents, siblings, and spouses. I hope some of it has sunk in. I'd like to continue writing about my trials and tribulations as a long distance caregiver. It's hard being a thousand miles from my dad. It's hard for my clients' families, too. About 60% of my clients have families who are out of state. They go through a lot to make sure that everything is handled as smoothly as possible. We help them by being here, and by looking and listening for those telltale signs that all is not well.

My daddy just called me and he sounded really great. He's 83, so I'm even more happy to hear from him than I used to be. Sure, he's got a tremor to his voice that he didn't used to have. Maybe I'll have a tremor when I'm 83, too. At 48, I still call him "Daddy." I've learned not to take him for granted..

Did you visit your home town this summer and wonder if your mom or dad, or maiden aunt, is really safe to be living alone without formal services or supervision?

Helping aging parents make informed choices is one of our most important tasks as Baby Boomers.

... the story of an elder couple who moved out of one assisted living facility into another, and why they wish they had known more before they moved the first time...

...the importance of pets in our lives, especially as we age...

It's been awhile since I've visited my dad, and I should plan a trip soon. His voice on the answering machine yesterday sounded a little shakier than I remember, and when he said, "good-bye," it sounded like he almost said something else. Something like, "gee, it would be nice if you came to visit soon..." Or maybe that's just my conscience talking.

Going home to visit your aging relatives can be time-consuming and anxiety-ridden. Especially if those you are visiting have memory problems, or a diagnosis of dementia. Sometimes families stop visiting altogether because conversations with persons with dementia can be fraught with frustration and anxiety. ... this article will give you helpful tips to utilize to make your visits more comfortable.

Have you indicated your end-of-life wishes to your family? Do you want to be kept alive by artificial means under any circumstance? If you are unable to interact with the world and the people around you, do you want to have a tube surgically placed through your belly into your stomach and be fed nourishment that you cannot taste or enjoy? Your specific beliefs and wishes are your own, and not to be judged by others. But legislators continue to make assumptions that all Americans would want life and create laws and procedures which make it difficult for individual choices.

* written well before the Terri Schiavo case made the headlines...