It’s been awhile since I’ve visited my dad, and I should plan a trip soon. His voice on the answering machine yesterday sounded a little shakier than I remember, and when he said, “good-bye,” it sounded like he almost said something else. Something like, “gee, it would be nice if you came to visit soon...” Or maybe that’s just my conscience talking.

The thing is, I think I’m avoiding going home because I KNOW what I’m going to see, and I’m not ready for it. I know that he’s going to look more frail, grayer, and more short of breath. But until I see it for myself, in person, I don’t have to admit that I’m a 49-year-old woman with an 84-year-old father and neither of us is getting any younger! Hey, denial is a great coping technique.

Many of my clients have long distance family members. Often they call me to discuss the guilt that they feel because they “can’t come for Christmas.” At least I’ve taken responsibility – I admit that I “choose” not to come. Face it – if there were an emergency, of course I would come, therefore, I “can” go to Kansas for the Holidays, I just “choose” not to. How we deal with the Holidays may represent how we deal with family issues in general.

Long ago, when I became a long-distance daughter, I made the commitment to allow my kids to wake up on Christmas morning in their own home. I didn’t want to have to explain how Santa can find you no matter where you are. My dad understands that and doesn’t pressure me to visit at certain times of the year. Thank goodness. I think his practical attitude has finally rubbed off on me.

When I was younger, I didn’t feel the same way. In fact, it was my parents who were honest with us, and it hurt our feelings. “Don’t come for Christmas,” my father would say. “Your mother gets too nervous.” Truth is, he was right. My mother’s form of dementia made it very stressful for her to receive guests in large numbers. But I’d whine and complain, and sometimes visit anyway, and then I’d see the stress in my mother’s demeanor, and we wouldn’t stay long. Three days to drive to Kansas, and we’re driving back within two days. More time on the road than spent visiting.

The point I’m trying to make is, don’t feel guilty if you “can’t” visit your aging parents during the Holidays. It’s usually too stressful a time of year all by itself. (That’s another topic of conversation – why is it that Holidays often turn into stressful days instead of relaxing, joyful times?)

Instead, visit during a less hectic time of year. Better yet, drop in unannounced, and catch your parents unawares. Be prepared, though, for what you may have to face. As I watched my mother face in the last 10 years of her life, it was a slow and painful process. I didn’t know then what I know now about eldercare, dementia, and long term care options. You quickly become an expert when the need arises. Educating myself helped me cope with the changes that occurred, although my father resisted intervention and they didn’t really benefit from what I learned. At least I knew more about the situation; being educated made me feel more prepared.

Watching your parents age, especially from long distance when the differences are more apparent due to fewer visits, is difficult to accept, but it is one of life’s passages. We can’t escape it completely. They’ll need you someday, to step up to the plate and help them with difficult decisions. As they protected you when you were a child, your parents will need protection some day. Protection, support, and understanding.

So, I’ll stay at home again this Christmas, in my cozy little Maumee home with my three sons, my spouse, and my nine cats, and on Christmas Day I’ll call Daddy and ask how his day is going. He’ll have dinner with his lady friend, Mary, and open little presents sent by his grandkids – important and necessary items such as popsicle-stick tree ornaments made in art class. He’ll snack on the goodies in the Harry and David’s basket I sent him, and he’ll complain of heartburn later.

I’ll go and visit him this spring, I’ve decided. It’s better to visit relatives during good weather. There’s nothing worse than being trapped in a house with a grumpy old man – unless it’s being trapped with a smart-alec middle-aged daughter.

Start your own education about resources in your relatives’ location by visiting the library, or checking out www.benefitscheckup.org, a service of the National Council on Aging.

Debra Sorensen, MSW, LISW, CMC, is a professional care manager and owner of, Debra J. Sorensen & Associates Inc., a private geriatric care management company in Maumee, Ohio. She can be reached at 419-367-8835 or e-mail debra@professionalcareforyou.com. For more information about care management, go to www.caremanager.org.