It's really easy to jump to false conclusions when you're a long-distance relative of an elderly person. My family hasn't done too well with communication anyway, but the most recent incident really takes the cake.

Hadn't heard from my now 83-year-old dad (living alone in Kansas) in a couple of weeks when my sister called from Tennessee.

"Did you know Daddy had emergency surgery last week?" she asks tensely.

"No! How did you find out?" I am flabbergasted.

"I just talked to him," she reported. "He's home already and has his 24-hour caregivers back."

"Well, why didn't we know -- did Gary know?" I ask. Gary is our Kansas brother who takes care of Dad because we girls all "flew the coop" years ago. We've historically had some difficulty with family communication practices surrounding my father's health status. We thought we had straightened all of that out. Gary only has to call one of us girls, and we'll call each other.

"I would think Gary knew -- he's Daddy's Power of Attorney. They usually don't do anything without involving Gary," was Pam's answer.

"So did you ask Daddy why none of us knew about his surgery?"

"Yes, and his answer was, [in a grumpy daddy-voice] 'Well, I didn't feel like sitting around here on the telephone all day!'"

Our plan was to have Pam call Gary the next day (after she had cooled off some), and find out what he knew about Daddy's condition and remind him that he could call just one of us sisters when these things happen.

Meanwhile, I thought I'd make my bi-weekly telephone call to Daddy myself. "How you doin', Daddy?" I ask when he answers the telephone.

In a weaker-than-usual voice, he says, "Well, better than I was a few days ago."

I ask for an explanation and he tells me very sketchy details. And when I ask, why didn't any of us get a phone call, he says testily, "Well, I didn't feel like sitting around here on the telephone all day!" [déjà vu!] I decide not to retort, "You could have had Gary call us!" Instead, I tell him I'm glad he is okay now and glad he got the help at home that he needs.

Pam is unsuccessful in getting ahold of Gary for a week. He seems to have telephone trouble and no answering machine at the moment. So she calls Daddy's house again and gets one of his caregivers, Tish, who tells her the whole story. It turns out that Daddy had reluctantly gone to the doctor to have him look at a strange bulge in his old incision. Expecting a quick out-patient procedure (my dad never listens to everything the doctor has to say), he ends up in the hospital with emergency hernia repair before even he has a chance to notify Gary.

So it appears that we have misplaced our frustration with our father's behavior onto our poor, innocent brother. Gary was minding his own business, working at his grocery store job, playing with his new grandson, as oblivious as the rest of us as to Daddy's mis-adventures.

Sorry, Gary.

The best news that comes out of this story is how adequately my father cared for himself through this crisis. He identified a problem (the bulge), showed it to his housekeeper (Tish) who told him to get his buns over to the doctor's office immediately. He had the surgery, and got himself discharged within a reasonable time period. Not only that, he had the wherewithal to hire his own caregivers for awhile so he wouldn't be home alone and at risk.

Way to go, Dad! I need to stop expecting the worst and start having more faith in my dad's abilities to care for himself. He has no dementia, he has a home that is very handicapped-compatible, he has his little dog, Jill, and his girlfriend, Mary. And he has my brother a couple of hours away if he needs him. Add to this the fact that his home is across the street from the medical clinic and the hospital, and you have a pretty ideal situation.

I hate that he is 1000 miles away from me. But that was my choice in 1987 to pick up and leave Kansas. We have to live with our choices. Dad's choices are going pretty well for him right now.

Debra Sorensen, MSW, LISW, CMC, is a professional care manager and owner of Debra J. Sorensen & Associates Inc., a private geriatric care management company serving Northwest Ohio and Southeast Michigan. She can be reached at 419-367-8835 or e-mail Debra@professionalcareforyou.com.